in West Essex

Life after suicide attempts - Lynette Wilson

I’ve finally got the courage to tell my story, I had suffered a couple of bereavements and also was bullied at work. I had been at a meeting at work and the bully who was intimidating me at work had said to me that I was doing too much to support service users. Thus making her job more demanding as other service users wish the same care. I left the meeting crying, drove home still very upset. I had clearly had enough, the bullying had been going on for 2 years and no one I asked for help, including my line manger did anything about it. 

My line manager stated to me that I was too sensitive and informed me it was my problem due to my sensitive nature.

I had arrived home around 4pm my partner had called to see if I was ok I said I was fine. I had ruminated about suicide for a few weeks even looking up the Internet as to what was easier to carry out without my pain. I had meds in my house I took nearly 30 tablets of Seroquel at 200mg.

I remember waking up in the hospital with my partner at my side crying I clearly did not have an idea where I was. My partner to me I was in a psychiatric ward. I tried to get out of my bed but felt weak I couldn't gain the strength to walk, the nurse told me to stay in bed. 

My partner left and the nurse came to my beside asking me to take these medications, I refused at first but wasn't coherent enough to hold a conversation. Whatever I took made me sleep so deeply that I didn't wake up until 6pm the following night. I had asked a nurse what had happened to me she said I had a nervous breakdown and I had to stay in hospital. 

I wanted to leave immediately I was scared, emotional and exhausted I asked to leave and the nurse said they would impose a MH section. I know what a section is after all I had supported many individuals with MH problems in my work life. I duly went back to my bed looking around and thinking this isn't really happening to me. The atmosphere in the ward felt chaotic and very noisy. 

I was then ignored on the ward for 8 days so I asked the nurse to discharge me she said it wasn't allowed. So I asked to speak to the psychiatrist who also said no about discharge. I knew my rights. I needed to go. I didn't feel safe in here I was scared vulnerable and I couldn't think straight as I was given heavy doses of medications.

I left the ward just after 11pm that evening and drove home. My partner was so upset she didn't want me to be home because she was scared I would overdose again. I lied. I told her I wouldn't. 

The following week I overdosed again making sure I took enough to do the job properly. It never entered my head that I had a breakdown or was suffering some sort of psychosis. I didn't trust anyone I became paranoid and had voices in my head telling me I was useless and just to kill myself for good.

My story doesn't end there, after another 5 overdoses I was given a diagnosis of recurrent depression and BPD. I was off work for 7 months.

I managed to go back to work but my employers were very different to me when I returned. I was called unprofessional, wasting tax people's money because I worked for local authority. The bulling was still prevalent I even went to my line manager’s office and fell to my knees begging her to end my suffering. Lost count how many times I cried at work In front of my manager.

I felt useless, worthless, alone and someone who didn't deserve to be employed. I was made redundant by the local authority due to my mental health issues. 

I lost a job I adored and that I was good at, I truly felt it was the end for me. I had a mortgage and bills to pay for, I thought who on earth would employ someone who had been off quite a few times due to my mental health.

I haven't overdosed in 4 years now, I took responsibility for my mental health by taking my medications attending appointmens with my Psychiatrist and ensuing I met my CPN.

I now take Seroquel, Lithium and Chlomiprine on a daily basis and I've managed to secure new job. I suffered stigma and judgment even when I was in the psych ward from my own family, I lost friendships, was made redundant and stigmatised by some mental health workers also.

I'm proof you can get better and I'm proof that we all deserve a better quality of care and support from MH Services. I'm stronger now and I'm trying my best to ensure that MH is spoken about and no one feels that alone and scared that they can reach out for support. One suicide is far too much and we all need to do more.

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